I wanted to journal what I felt was one of the longest weeks of my life but there was little energy to do so. Now that the crisis is semi over, I felt it was time to put it out there. Isn't that what a blog is for?
My daughter who is 17 has been riding motorcycles since she was about 6 years old. As a family, we would camp and go motorcycle riding all the time. When our local track opened up for motocross racing, we entered the kids in them. I have 3 kids. I'd go and watch every time they raced. I remember Taylor's first crash where she pretty much flew over the handlebars. She cried, but then got back up and rode again. My oldest son Anthony had a good crash as well weeks later. That one required a hospital ride. No broken bones but a sprained foot. From that point on I couldn't seem to bring myself back to the track. The not knowing at that moment of impact was more than I could bare. Seeing them crashing, dropping everything and running to them was always what I did and the anxiety it caused each and every time just killed me inside. They stopped racing for a long time but have started back up these past few years.
On Mother's day this year, my middle son, Kevin crashed and landed on his head. He was airlifted to a trauma center about 45 minutes away (driving) only 10 minutes in the air. He had repetitive speech, threw up and was pretty incoherent for awhile. Thank God it was a concussion and no bleeding on the brain. It was not the greatest Mother's day this year.
A month or so ago, my oldest Anthony crashed. Same thing, "head injury," His wasn't as severe as his brother but again, it took a little away from me.
And now Taylor, by baby. Crashed a week ago today. I got the dreaded phone call close to noon last Sunday and rushed to the hospital. Her dad said she was okay but was complaining of back pain. Little did I know and when she got her CT results back, all I heard was broken back and that was enough to send me out of the room to totally disintegrate. I found my composure about half and hour later and headed back into the ER. She was still on a back board and neck brace. She spent almost 7 hours in a flat on her back position with those boards still in place until a neurosurgeon could read the xrays. She was finally taken off the boards and admitted to the hospital. We have been in limbo ever since. She broke her back at T-2, T-3 and T-4 which is her thoracic spine. From pretty much her shoulder blade area and downwards. If it had been her cervical spine, she could have lost her life or have been paralysed.
Sunday and Sunday night I spent with her and on Monday I went home to get orders out and then headed back to the hospital. Monday night, her dad spent the night with her so I could get a full night's sleep as Sunday night was pretty hard to do that.
Tuesday through Friday I was with her the whole time with just enough of a break to take care of business and make phone calls to her school and college.
On Friday night, she was allowed to come home. It was so hard for that week when you see your kid in pain. The constant iv pushes of pain meds made her dizzy, and nauseated. No iv fluids were given until the 4th day after me totally bitching to the nurses. She was out of it for about 4 days and then they began the process of weaning her off the IV meds and onto pill form. That was pretty tough on her. She always had a constant flow of visitors which was nice for both of us. At night, when she would be sleeping, I would walk downstairs and find hot water and just walk outside to feel alive. Inside the hospital is so quiet and so depressing. But then of course reality comes back as soon as you head into her room. Friday, we waited all day and through the evening to have a bed set up here in her room. It was nice to be home but in a way very frightening too. I think for both of us. She was worried that she'd be in severe pain and need to be put back on an iv. I knew that we couldn't do that because as long as she's being fed iv drugs, they have to keep her in the hospital and so we dealt with ways to cope with her pain levels to get her through it.
She's been home now for a few days and is showing much improvement. Pain seems to be more in control but this is only the first week. How will she be in a few days or weeks? She misses the outdoors and going to the movies and bowling. Hanging out with friend or trips to the mall. She was supposed to get her braces off and get her driver's license. All of this is now on hold.
My first thought was to sell her dirt bike. Just get rid of all of them. All my kids!
her brother raced today and it was anxiety for me waiting to hear if all went well. It did.
I know that kids don't think about death much and they feel like bad things won't happen to them but it does! As a mom, I can't do this again. She was blessed or lucky or whatever you want to call it but next time might not be as lucky. Is it worth losing your life over? She has plans for her future and my job is to help her get there. I am trying to give her freedom but I am still her mom that also needs to protect her.
We'll see what the future holds but as of right now, her riding in competitions is over. I could just get rid of her bike, End it right now but as a parent that doesn't have full control of the situation....I'll compromise. She can ride desert or just go riding casually but I will demand that the racing stop.
Maybe that's a bit harsh to some but... I want her around! This mom just can't take anymore of this.
